Questions asked of adoptive moms and answers I like

Ok, I have already experienced the majority of these questions and I don't even have my son yet. I went on an Internet search tonight after again hearing a comment today about how people should only adopt from the U.S. and found some answers I like. The third, fifth, and last answers are my own making.

1. The number 1 most offensive thing that has been said to me in some form or has been hinted at: Why didn't you adopt from the United States? There are a lot of orphans right here who need adopting. This question especially confounds me since the people asking are always profoundly hypocritical, as they selfishly chose to bear their own children instead of adopting ANY orphans and yet, they think they have the right to tell you which orphans are more important in this world. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with the selfish desire to give birth, of course. God built women that way and meant for women (not all women) to take advantage of this desire, if it's in His will. But, it is a choice over adoption. Is this the man with the log in his eye trying to get the splinter out of another's eye, as the Biblical metaphor goes? Not that I think I have a splinter. Why in the world would American orphans be more important than orphans in other countries? That coldness is so highly offensive to my senses. An orphan is an orphan who needs a home, whether they are from America or another country. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding whether to adopt domestically or internationally and a lot of differences between the two; every family has the right to decide which route is best for them and it is in no way the business of anyone else. I mean, I wonder if moms with biological children would appreciate it if I asked them, "Why didn't you adopt instead of bringing more children into this world? There are a lot of orphans in the world who need adopting right now." That would devalue their children as much as they are devaluing my foreign born child and would be just as offensive. Asking me this question is telling me that my child who is the center of my world shouldn't be my child. Here is my answer:

Answer: That's a great idea. Why don't you do it? [wait for their excuse and then say...] But there are a lot of orphans right here who need adopting.

Now, if someone is asking me this question because they are thinking that I'm thinking there's something wrong with American orphans, I can understand. I have given people my blog address so they could read about why we chose China. Unfortunately, these people usually don't read my explanation; they prefer to make judgments, as they always seem so angry when asking it. And unfortunately, they don't understand how ignorant and offensive their question comes off. And again, do they have something against American orphans? I mean, if they have such strong opinions about the matter, and if they don't have something against American orphans, why have they chosen not to adopt one themselves? Hopefully, I can learn to answer this kind of rudeness with as much gentleness and respect as I can muster up.


2. Why did you choose China? I think that this is actually a reasonable question, assuming the person isn't really trying to ask question number 1, and one I don't mind answering, if the listener and I both have a lot of time on our hands for my long explanation. However, I do love this answer:

Because that's where my son was [with a smile].


3. You know, now that you're adopting, you'll probably get pregnant.

Oh no. I better start taking birth control [with a smile].

Regardless of the fact that we chose to adopt over getting pregnant, this is offensive because it's like saying your child is still second choice, even after you're matched with your child. When we were told Ben was going to be our little boy, we were overcome with emotion, cried just like parents who just gave birth, and felt his little self become part of our family that day. He entered our hearts that day and it was just weird that he was still overseas in the orphanage instead of with mommy and daddy. So what if I did get pregnant? My adopted child is my child and we're blessed to have him. It's like saying, "You know, now that you've had your first child, you'll probably soon birth a child who'll come out better the second time around."


4. Don't you want to have children of your own?

He is my own child.


5. Why don't you want to have children?

Adoption is the way we chose to form our family. Why don't you want to adopt?

I don't plan on saying this angrily, as I want to model calm responses for Ben, but I think it's good to, as gently as possible, parallel their question in order to make them think. I don't mind the question, Why did you choose to adopt? But, Why don't you want to have children? insinuates that there's something wrong or odd about wanting to obtain children by adoption instead of by giving birth.

OR, the answer I have given in some fashion, the truth: We didn't want to bring more children into the world when there are already so many orphans who need loving forever families. Why not form a family and give an orphan a loving family at the same time?

Of course, my second answer may make people feel defensive as if you're trying to make them feel guilty for having their own kids. This is never my intent and I never say this unless asked such a provocative question. I mean, they're asking for the answer and so, I give it to them.


6. Do you think you'll have your own children some day?

I do have my own child. If you mean biological children, I'm not sure yet. [Pause.] Do you think you'll adopt some day?

This question isn't highly offensive, but why not casually throw the ball back in their court so that they realize what kind of question they are asking?


7. How much did he cost?

He's priceless. Why do you ask? [This is worth answering if the person is interested in adopting.]
Or: We didn't buy him. But we did pay service fees in order to bring him home.

Now, if the question is, "How much did the adoption cost?" while Ben's not with me, it's acceptable.


8. Are you his real mom?

Yes.

I currently explain to people that I am adopting him, realizing that they don't realize what their question implies, but once we have Ben, I'm sure he won't appreciate me repeating over and over, "He's adopted," and then possibly going into his adoption story with every stranger who wants to ignorantly ask about his personal life in front of him. And according to adoptive moms, many people ask very ignorant questions right in front of your child, as if they don't have ears. He also needs to know that I am his real mom, even though our family was formed by adoption.


9. Do you know who his real mom is?

I am his real mom. I never met his birth mother.


10. Is his father Chinese? Or: Does he take after his father?

No. Daddy's a German-American.

This question isn't offensive, but that's the answer.